Friday, December 19, 2014
Monday, December 15, 2014
God Gave me you....
I wrote this post a few weeks ago; but held off posting it, maybe because it is very emotional for me.
I often have heard "do you ever wonder why"? I hear other families going through the journey ask and plead with God, of why? I do wonder why...(but not the same as many; this may get real spiritual for a minute) I have asked Why, is the sense of what are we supposed to learn from this trial?!? I have said many times over that god gives us what he knows we need to go through. The trials that will make us stronger, make us believe, make us learn lessons, we may not even realize we are learning. Does cancer suck, YES IT DOES. Cancer sucks 100% I have lost 2 grandparents that I was close with to it. My husband lost his dad, a man I never got to meet. When My husband and I married we didn't ever think we would be facing what we do today. The trials are real. They say that America has a divorce rate of 50%, and you put the stress, and reality of having a Childhood cancer, I can't even imagine what the rate is. Does that erase the many, many fights, over how to pay for his treatments, how to have him take his medications...(I remember arguing in the kitchen one night as I was fighting with Carson to get his medications down, it was a day he had to take 16+ pills, he was on steroids, and it was a mess. I was so frustrated so angry that I was fighting for him to take a medication that would save his life; and I was angry I was the one in there doing it. Why should I fight this battle? I lost my cool on Brant, who came into help. I took a break and went to our bedroom. Sat on the bed cried as hard as I could for the 2 minutes before Blake came in to find me, he asked "mommy whats wrong" Climbed up on the bed and hugged me. I dried my tears, and said mommy is sad, I gave him a hug and took a deep breath and walked back into the war zone to get this medication down. Brant gave me a hug when I came back in. Between Blake's hug and Brant's I was able to find strength to help Carson again. I took the pills away, let him calm down, and then talked to him about it, after he took his meds, he chewed his medication.) Why Brant couldn't take off work to take him to treatment, and many other fights about who knows what. The stress that Cancer has put on our marriage is insane, unthinkable.
But at the End of the day; I always remember, he is there because we choose to walk through whatever was to come. We are walking through hell and have been for 2+ years now and yet, at the end of the day he is the only one I want to walk through this journey with. He is my rock, He is my complete opposite, but somehow we make it all work. He is a thinker, I am not, He knows nothing about Carson's cancer, besides the basics... he trusts me to make life changing decisions and supports them with out question. me- I know more than I should and can ramble off medications, and surgeries with dates with out thinking twice, He is quiet, I am loud. He is very shy, I am not. He is reserved, I am an open book.
"On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo"
I know now that walking through the hell of cancer, isn't easy, it isn't for the weak, it isn't fair. But God gave us this journey, and God gave us each other to get through the hell.
Romans 5:3-4
I often have heard "do you ever wonder why"? I hear other families going through the journey ask and plead with God, of why? I do wonder why...(but not the same as many; this may get real spiritual for a minute) I have asked Why, is the sense of what are we supposed to learn from this trial?!? I have said many times over that god gives us what he knows we need to go through. The trials that will make us stronger, make us believe, make us learn lessons, we may not even realize we are learning. Does cancer suck, YES IT DOES. Cancer sucks 100% I have lost 2 grandparents that I was close with to it. My husband lost his dad, a man I never got to meet. When My husband and I married we didn't ever think we would be facing what we do today. The trials are real. They say that America has a divorce rate of 50%, and you put the stress, and reality of having a Childhood cancer, I can't even imagine what the rate is. Does that erase the many, many fights, over how to pay for his treatments, how to have him take his medications...(I remember arguing in the kitchen one night as I was fighting with Carson to get his medications down, it was a day he had to take 16+ pills, he was on steroids, and it was a mess. I was so frustrated so angry that I was fighting for him to take a medication that would save his life; and I was angry I was the one in there doing it. Why should I fight this battle? I lost my cool on Brant, who came into help. I took a break and went to our bedroom. Sat on the bed cried as hard as I could for the 2 minutes before Blake came in to find me, he asked "mommy whats wrong" Climbed up on the bed and hugged me. I dried my tears, and said mommy is sad, I gave him a hug and took a deep breath and walked back into the war zone to get this medication down. Brant gave me a hug when I came back in. Between Blake's hug and Brant's I was able to find strength to help Carson again. I took the pills away, let him calm down, and then talked to him about it, after he took his meds, he chewed his medication.) Why Brant couldn't take off work to take him to treatment, and many other fights about who knows what. The stress that Cancer has put on our marriage is insane, unthinkable.
But at the End of the day; I always remember, he is there because we choose to walk through whatever was to come. We are walking through hell and have been for 2+ years now and yet, at the end of the day he is the only one I want to walk through this journey with. He is my rock, He is my complete opposite, but somehow we make it all work. He is a thinker, I am not, He knows nothing about Carson's cancer, besides the basics... he trusts me to make life changing decisions and supports them with out question. me- I know more than I should and can ramble off medications, and surgeries with dates with out thinking twice, He is quiet, I am loud. He is very shy, I am not. He is reserved, I am an open book.
"On my own I'm only
Half of what I could be
I can't do without you
We are stitched together
And what love has tethered
I pray we never undo"
I know now that walking through the hell of cancer, isn't easy, it isn't for the weak, it isn't fair. But God gave us this journey, and God gave us each other to get through the hell.
Romans 5:3-4
"And not only this, but we also exult in our tribulations, knowing that tribulation brings about perseverance; and perseverance, proven character; and proven character, hope;"
This past weekend we were able with the help of both of our families pull off an amazing weekend get-a-way. It was very much needed. We have not been away alone since Carson was 9 months old for more than a night. So to have 4 days away was amazing. the Past 2 years we have needed it more than we could have even thought. We enjoyed every moment of it, we didn't get into the "deep" stuff we just kept it easy, simple, and enjoyed the fun, and each other company! :)
Tuesday, December 9, 2014
Update... long over due
The past few weeks I have avoided blogging, stress, and the unknown is hard. Yesterday Carson has a scope surgery, along with his routine LP(lumbar puncture for chemo).
Before going to Surgery Carson had to do his 2 hour appointment at the Oncology clinic, he received his IV chemo (vincristine) we see his Dr. and also seen his social worker; Who had a special present for him, his Chemo duck! :) He was excited at this duck has a port just like him, and he is able to access it as well.
He went off to surgery with out a hitch. It breaks my heart that it is so "easy" for him to walk through the doors with out me, and that he is okay with going with perfect strangers dressed in green, and that he never looks back. I always tell him he is going to play hide-n-seek with the guys in green, and he has to find a good spot, and I will find him after! He plays along and goes.
We seen his ENT doctor before he went in, he said he was hoping that he would not need surgery, but he would have a plan after, and a good idea of what we should do.
It went quick; super quick, I have a " surgery routine" I run to grab something to eat, run back up to eat it, use the restroom, and then wait, wait, wait, game.
The Dr. came out and took me into a private room, (I dislike these rooms they are only used for "serious" news or "bad" news) He had pictures in had and explained that his airway is not better, it isn't improving, in fact it may be worse than it was before. He explain there was concerning evidence in his airway that he is aspirating liquids, because he has what they call cobble stoning. He said we need to do a swallow study. He also said that there is a study(oh how I dislike studies, but I love them as well since they are improving options for our kids) that we could qualify for a study in Michigan that would do a Stent, and it would be WAY less invasive than the surgery they would have to do... the surgery they would have to do CAN be performed here in Utah (great news) and it would require them to bust his chest bone, and require him to be in the hospital for 2-4 weeks and be a rough recovery after that. So the CHANCE that we could do something else would be a big deal in his case. The Dr. also told me Carson is but a couple handful's of patients in the US that are still dealing with his airway condition, because most are corrected by the body or surgery is performed by the age of 3-4 years old.
Enough about the medical side of things what we have been up to for the past few weeks....
The boys asked Santa for.... Carson; a green ball, a monster truck like daddy's, and go fish. Blake; a Hippopotamus :) the poor Santa about fell off his chair laughing and was very impressed with him.
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