Dear...

Dear Carson,

You have now been on this journey of kicking the shit out of Leukemia for 6 months now. It has been a rough road for you. I wish each day that I could take your place and go through all of this for you. I am sorry I have had to hold you down countless times to have you poked, finger pricked, even to get 6 days of shots, or even just to get your blood pressure taken. I am sorry that you feel crappy, and some days just want to lay around and not do much. I am sorry you have lost your hair. I sorry you are so young that you do not understand why this is all happening. THANK YOU for being tuff, and helping me get through all of this. Your smile melts my heart.  Thank you for not complaining all the time. Thank you for being brave even though you know not so fun things happen in that hospital. Thank you for laughing with me on the hard days and letting me hold you when you aren't feeling well.  I am scared for you to start this next phase, I know it will be rough for you; and you will not understand why you don't feel like you should. I pray you will breeze through this and not remember most of it.  I love you to the moon and back, even though it is high. Love, Mom

Dear Blake,

One day I hope you will understand just how amazing you are. There is never a time that I can't count on you to pull a face, make a noise, or just do something that will make me laugh(even though sometimes I have to laugh in my shirt so you don't see). I am so sorry you have had to travel down this awful road with Carson, Daddy, and I. I am sorry that you get left with random people so I can take your brother to the hospital, it breaks my heart. I am sorry you don't understand why your brother is fine one day and the next you can't look at him with out him wanting to hurt you. I am sorry that more of my attention gets directed towards your brother. I am sorry that I can't change all of this. I am thankful you are a goof ball, and can make me laugh. I am thankful you are able to go with the flow, and play by yourself on hard days. I pray that the next few weeks you will understand that while it is not fair, I need to take care of brother, and I may not be able to give you much attention. I also pray that you will not remember most of this. I love you so much. Love, Mom.

  

 Dear Brant,

I am sorry this has been so rough on you. I know in your mind cancer = death. It isn't fair. I am sorry I have no time or patients to talk to you like we used to. I am sorry you get most of my anger. I am sorry that we never have time for just us to go out. I am sorry that our child has cancer, and that I can't fix it like I always have. I am thankful that you don't mind taking the backseat, and know that the kids are everything to me. Thank you for on bad days taking the kids for 5 minutes so I can clear my head. Thank you for doing the crazy things I ask, and just going with it :). I pray that the next 6 weeks we can lean on each other like we have done for the past 10 years. I pray that once we have made it through this, we will know we can make it through anything. I love you so much. love Sara