Sunday October 21, 2012 I wrote this blog post... http://carsonakatuffboy.blogspot.com/2012/10/dear.html

Today is Mother's day, but it is also a day that I will never forget...
Three years ago today, I sat in a hospital room for going on 5 days, seeing doctor after doctor, and holding you so tight. I knew deep down the doctors were missing something, but was afraid to admit it. I held my breath as Dr. Fluchel walked into your room, hanging his head. I knew at that moment, you had cancer, though I didn't know what kind. I thank god you were sleeping, I dreaded making the call to your daddy, and then your grandparents. Looking back now on how far you have come, how strong you are, how you amaze me each day, how brave you are, what an amazing big brother your are, I am speechless. You have taught me more about life, than you will ever know! You have smiled through the some of the worse times. You have completed 1,095 DAYS of chemo and only have 69 more to go! I am so thankful you do not understand most of it, and one day I will get to tell you how strong and brave you were, and that you kicked cancers ass, showed it who was boss; and in the end you came out on top of the world!
Blake: you are on strong boy as well! Never leaving your brothers side, listening to his crazy demands, running for your life on steroid weeks, always making us laugh. I am proud of you!

I am a proud mom to these two amazing boys! I can't imagine life with out them. I am thankful for them!

Here are new ones Letters...

Dear Carson,

You have been kicking cancers butt, for 1095 days. It has been a long three years! Looking back now, I never thought we would make it. I never knew how strong you would have to be, I never understood how much this would change your world. I am so thankful that you were so young, to you cancer is in a way "normal" you don't know much else. The amount of tears you have shed is not fair. The amount of pain you have endured is pure evil. The amount of minutes, days, weeks, months, and years you have had to give up "normal" to fight cancer, is not okay. You are my one of my heroes. You are so strong, brave, and able to endure so much, with out as much as a simple complaint.


Dear Blake,

Tyler Robinson Foundation

Where do I start about the Tyler Robinson Foundation? AMAZING, is where I start.  They are amazing, they are incredible, they are astounding, they are shocking, they are breathtaking, they are extraordinary! But it all starts with a guy named Tyler, Tyler Robinson. A man that was so Christ like, it is inspiring. Tyler is all of the words mention above, but most of all he was Christ like.

(Millie, holding a picture of her and Tyler)

August of 2013 I got a call from Tyler's mom Shannon, she told me my son's story stuck with her and that since her son had past away, the band Imagine Dragons had started a foundation, and she would love for us to be the first recipients of it. I started to "ugly" cry, no one had ever wanted to help us in such a kind way. I was shocked and so thankful for this amazing gift. Fast forward a few months ago and the The Tyler Robinson Foundation came back in and helped us once again, this time it wasn't just a small deal, they set us up with a financial planner (Jason Knight at Cambridge Financial) who came in and met with me, brought me to tears as I told him Carson's story, and unveiled to him the mountain of bills that we had. (You see when Carson was diagnosed it was near impossible for me to work, I refused to miss an appointment and there were times he was at the hospital 3 days a weeks sometimes more. So I couldn't work, and it wasn't fair to my employer either.)

We discussed the deep down, "bills", our lifestyle, I remember wanting to scream and cry telling him that we had sold our trailer, since we knew we wouldn't be able to use it and could use the money to help pay for bills (FYI I am crying now even thinking of it, that maybe one if the hardest things we did, and that I regret). We went as far as if we had plans for our children, god forbid something happen to both Brant and I, we talked about life insurance, we talked about our home, we talked about it all, including my how I would but all the bills in a basket and do the "BILL LOTO" some got paid some did not, this was the only way I could choose what ones to pay!". By the time Jason left my home, I felt exposed it is not something you share with a stranger. But I also felt relief, as I knew that it what was needed to get us on track.

So a few weeks later Jason called me and said that he needed to meet with both Brant and I, I giggled as, anyone who knows our family knows Brant doesn't handle much, as he is busy providing for our family. I had to kind of twist Brant's arm to take off work, and meet with Jason. (Brant is a work-a-holic) Jason came over with his manila folder, he had papers inside. 

He pulled out a paper that had our financial review on it, pretty much we were in bad shape, we had been put through the ringer, we were put in the blender so to speak, and then maybe a tornado. I am sure Jason shook his head more than a few times when going through our extreme amount of bills, and debts. 

Then Jason did something I never expect, he pulled out a plan for us to take care of this burden, the burden that Childhood Cancer had "given" us. I did the "Ugly" cry once again, I was brought to tears, and disbelief, as I was so thankful, there was a path laid out for us, and there was a plan that someone who knew what in the heavens they were doing had planned out for us. 

There was a plan, we weren't going to loose everything, we were going to be Okay. 

This quote is from a fellow cancer mom, it is so true, and I can't explain how true her words are! 

This has to be my favorite song by Imagine Dragons and I can't wait for the "END OF TREATMENT" to play it non-stop! Because when he is done, he is going to be on top of the world!!! 

 

A little insight into TYLER ROBINSON FOUNDATION! 

Seriously love this video!!! shows how much love this man had, and how amazing the band is!

catching up..

Wow time has been moving. Carson is down to 5 treatments! Next week he will be down to FOUR. What seems like this time would never come and yet here it is! 

At his last treatment he was able to play UNO with JT a fellow ALL fighter. 

For Carson's birthday and show and tell he took the mascots to school with him! :) He was in love with the fact that the mascots came to HIS class! it made his week for sure! 

We celebrated 6 years old~ A day that seems like it would never some but we enjoyed it and he loved his cake! 

We then left to celebrate in DISNEYLAND! :) grandma Georgiana and Gaylene joined us. 

Next week Carson will have his next treatment! WE have talked to his doctor about his end of treatment~~ Crazy that this is even in the talks! 

Finding H.O.P.E.

I have been told countless times how strong I am, how amazingly I have handled Carson's cancer. I have said it many times over, I am not religious never have been, but I do beleive in God. I believe that he is there making a path for us, and that we are given these awful hard times for reasons. Why children get cancer I by no means understand but maybe someday I will see the full picture. Anyway, back to being strong, yes I am strong, damn straight I am strong, I have to be. There isn't a choice, when you see those eyes looking at you, you don't have a choice but to suck it up buttercup. 

There are countless days/moments I loose it. But I some how always find pick myself back up and trust that God has this. 

 The past 4 weeks Carson's airway has not been "right". I struggled for the first two weeks with a lot of emotions, I couldn't pin point it... then it hit me, his airway is what started this whole cancer journey, I rushed him to the ER because he couldn't breath, he sounded horrible as he has for the past 4 weeks. Doctors have been out of town, and answers have not been given. On-call doctors even suggested we wait for our "regular" doctors to come in, because Carson is in their words "a very complicated case". I do not love hearing that, but appreciate the doctors being honest. 

HOPE is hard to keep a hold of. It is so hard at times. But I pray at least daily, if not multiple times. I really pray that God has a better plan than what I have dreamed of!!!!!