2 years ago Yesterday, life as the Hancock's knew it changed

2 years, 2 years, 2 years. Two years ago seems so long ago. Yet the emotions of it are at the surface. The emotions are so real, so hard, so just there. I am not sure if it is because Carson has been sick and that is is kind of what started the journey 2 years ago. I remember the ENT telling  me about his open heart surgery and saying he hasn't ever seen this. Dr. Fluchel telling me this ins't cancer. If anything it was a-plastic anemia. I will never forget the look on his face, the way he hung his head as he walked in. I will never forget holding my son's hand as they told me it was cancer, I will never forget the world spinning, and just wishing I was going to wake up and it was all just a awful dream. But it wasn't. He had me call my husband; and then left since we wanted to wait till Brant could be there to talk all of the details out. I then called my mom, and told her; she asked me if she should leave work, the shock was so much. Then called my mother in law and said to hurry down to the hospital. That hour of waiting for everyone to arrive standing by the window; looking at my son; wishing I could just escape. I didn't realize the full effect of what was about to happen, the changes we would make with in our family; and the pain, and illness my son would endure! 

This was him heading to surgery the day after he was diagnosed! I was scared; I held him so tight that day. He made me laugh wearing the glasses. It reminded me of the Movie Big Daddy. :) 

This is him now! still fighting; still sick sometimes. But he fights with a smile, he fights with everything, and even makes us laugh along the way. 

Cancer I hate that you have taken so much from our family! I hate that mother's day is now a sad day for me. But know that while you may get our family down, and you may take some of the best things in life away; you will not win, and we will come out on top, stronger! 

While we were stuck in PCMC that first week Carson watched Cars OVER and OVER and OVER again, I was so sick of that movie, but it made him feel better, at night I would wake up to "Life is a highway" every time it was played. We had the DVD on contentious play-back because if he woke up he wanted to watch it. I guess it was a sign, I heard the song today, and burst in to tears, I have heard it a 1,000 times since and never has it been so emotional, but listening to it just brings back pain, but also after listening to it, the little lyrics are true. Life is a Highway, and believe us cancer Carson will do it his way! 

"Life Is A Highway"

Whooo umm yeah...
Life's like a road that you travel on
When there's one day here and the next day gone
Sometimes you bend, sometimes you stand
Sometimes you turn your back to the wind
There's a world outside ev'ry darkened door
Where blues won't haunt you anymore
Where brave are free and lovers soar
Come ride with me to the distant shore
We won't hesitate
To break down the garden gate
There's not much time left today

[Chorus:]
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Through all these cities and all these towns
It's in my blood and it's all around
I love you now like I loved you then
This is the road and these are the hands
From Mozambique to those Memphis nights
The Khyber Pass to Vancouver's lights

Knock me down get back up again
You're in my blood
I'm not a lonely man
There's no load I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

[Chorus]

Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah

[Chorus]

There was a distance between you and I (between you and I)
A misunderstanding once
But now we look it in the eye

Ooooo...Yeah!

There ain't no load that I can't hold
Road so rough this I know
I'll be there when the light comes in
Just tell 'em we're survivors

[Chorus: (x3)]
Life is a highway
I wanna ride it all night long
If you're going my way
I wanna drive it all night long

Gimme gimme gimme gimme yeah

I am not sure why this mother's day was as hard for me as it was. Some of it I am sure has to do with the fact, that Carson has had a cough for weeks, and ENT doesn't know what to do; this is how it all started, this is how we began the whirl wind, his airway seems to be the first sign of many things. I will talk to ENT tomorrow and see when they will be scoping him since they need to see what/how much damage has been done, and if there is something we can do, at least to get him to stop coughing. I don't think I will ever forget sitting in the ER and Dr. Mier coming in and explaining the compared to open heart surgery to me because he was having so much trouble breathing; but also the Dr. wasn't sure what the answer was. I feel like we have one foot back in that boat; no doctor seems to know "why" or they tell me " he isn't text book". I long for normal, what normal I am not sure but a simple normal would work for now. I am glad today(mother's day) is over so I can hopefully pick up my pieces and move forward; continue to fight, and not let Cancer take anything more.