May 10th is coming fast. I see my other cancer mom friends doing celebrations, doing blood drives, and such. I on the other hand am breaking. I am so angry, mad, and sad all at the same time. 2 years we have been fighting.
Carson has been fighting hard, he has gone through the most awful things you can imagine; he stays brave, he stays strong most of the time, when he breaks it makes it 100 times harder for us, because he is such an amazing inspiring boy. He shows cancer who is boss, he chooses to be happy, he chooses to play, and be a 5 year old the best he can. He has sick moments, but never for a full day because he refuses to allow cancer to take an inch more than what it has to take. He can throw up and still want to play trucks while laying in bed; I know many adults on chemo who can't even lift their heads out of bed. He amazes me with each passing day.
I as his mom on the other hand; have last 2 years, I am pretty proud of myself, I feel like for the most part I have stayed strong, and have fought with a positive attitude. But 2 years is a long time to stay strong. It is way too long to not break. I am so mad at cancer, the time it takes out of our lives, the things it has done to my family; there are family members who I love who no longer speak to us for reason I don't understand. I have lost friends along the way (yes I have gained amazing new ones) but I miss my "old" life I guess you could say. I hate that cancer has changed everything in my my families daily life. I hate that my kids think it is "normal" to take pills, I hate, HATE that my 3 year old Blake wants to take medicine like his brother, but how do you explain to him that his brother is sick; but a sick you don't see. I hate that Carson's moods change so often that I can't keep up with how to help him. I put on the smile, sometimes it is an act, actin like I am happy, and that is "okay". But Cancer has robbed my family. I can't help but think of the way life would be if cancer wasn't here. I would still be working, talking to adults daily, making a living for my family; we would have to choose what bills to pay, what is "appropriate" to buy, and the things we should wait on. It has been 2 years since I bought myself dare I say underwear, or even a new outfit that wasn't on the clearance rack, or saved gift money from family to buy it. We used to be able to go to the park, and play, and not have to worry. When we could plan family vacations, that didn't revolve around chemo, or steroids, or if there is a risk. Brant and I love to cruise, we have went on two; not now. For one, where do you pull that money, not pay the house payment? and 2- the doctors say the risk of being on a ship with a possible illness is too high and we would have to travel with the risk of life flight-ing our child off the ship; and carry IV antibiotics.
I wish at this point with a 5 and 3 year old I wouldn't have to carry a diaper bag, that includes zofran, extra changes of clothes, wipes, and extra hand sanitize. I miss being a normal mom.
I also feel so alone, though there are plenty of people around me, they don't get it. The ones who do (other cancer moms) I can't burden them with my struggles because they are fighting their own battles. Then there is the guilt, of my friends that their children are loosing their battles; there aren't any more options for their child. I can't imagine being in their shoes; then I get angry at myself for even thinking my life is hard, I get mad for thinking how bad things suck; because at least I still have my child. then the tables turn again, and I think at what cost I have my child, chemo is destroying his ability to walk; I know he can live a happy life with out being able to walk, and most of the time it is temporary.
My husband is in the fight with me as well; but we can't have a normal conversation that doesn't involve at some point type of cancer talk, weather it be medication, doctors, or an up coming appointment. It isn't fair to him, he lost his dad to cancer, I am sure we share the same fear; though I feel awful for him he already lost his dad, he has so many struggles with that; his dad passed when he was 15; he didn't get to learn the things dads teach their sons. We are so scared, struggling to make it through some moments. The amount of "work" it takes to keep up on everything that goes with "cancer". I don't think others understand. They see a small glimpse of it, but they don't get the full picture that my family does. The constant fear of germs, the constant cleaning, the wondering the worrying. The burden that goes along with cancer is so heavy.
The song by Rascal flatts "sarabeth" says "...Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white, something's not right... Six chances in ten, it won't come back again With the therapy we're gonna try It's just been approved, it's the strongest there is
And I think we caught it in time..."
The doctors give you this hope and the hope is what I hold on to. We pray it is the working that the cancer won't return.
I keep hoping I can find a silver lining in this storm; I pray I find love, and peace. I am by no means a very religous person; I believe in god, I believe that the plan is set before we enter this world. He gives us tests, and gives us these trials for reasons we don't understand, and we may never understand in this life time. But I can't help but ask why, be angry, and sad. This song for me right now is a go to, it reminds me it is okay, to feel, and that one day; I will.
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