Pneumonia

After our amazing weekend in Vegas; on our way home Carson got sick. When he gets sick, it goes from cold, to seriousness in nothing it seems.  So we went to visit our second favorite doctor Dr. Smith. He looked at Carson and said "We are going to need labs" from there he said what do your normally do when he is this sick. I sometimes wonder why I pay doctors; if they don't know Carson's whole story, with play by play action like Dr. Corry and his Oncologist then they always seem to turn to me and ask what is "normal" for him.  We got some antibiotics, and cough medicine prescriptions and then headed to AF hospital for blood and fluids. We love IV therapy at AF, they are beyond amazing. Carson is one of the very few Peds patients they have, so they all love all over him, and treat him with extra special care, all while giving me adult conversation (big plus).  IV therapy couldn't do the fluids, but were amazing at getting us up to the Peds ward to do it. Summer a nurse that we used to know well when Carson was little was there. I was happy to see her there; she helped me through many hard times, and many nights I was lost when Carson was sick as a baby(before leukemia), plus she is a pro at getting IV's in! While we were there Carson spiked a fever; fever in our world equals IV antibiotics, there is always a chance that fever could be the start of a blood infection; so for us that means we want to be super pro active and get the meds started ASAP. We spent a little over 4 hours there. 

This kid has a "look" of I don't feel good. It breaks my heart. 

Blake often times doesn't get to visit us at the hospital, but since AF  is super close to our home, I left dad to take care of Carson, while I ran to get meds filled and Blake from Grandma's. He was so happy to come visit. He asked lots of questions. We went over the rules in the car, and while walking in and waiting for our dinner from the famous pink shop, he told me the rules about 20 times. Be quiet, listen to mommy, and no running, people are sick! When we were walking up to the Peds floor Carson spotted the dogs they have in the pictures, any time he doesn't feel good, he wants an animal. There were two of them so he asked to buy one for his brother. Even when he doesn't feel good he still thinks of others. Blake only stayed for a few minutes, and then dad took him home. But at least he got to experience the mysterious hospital. 

The next day we followed up with Dr. Corry. There was no one in the waiting room so we got to sit in the "normal" part for the first time in years. 

Yesterday, we went to get his hair cut; I was thinking a normal little boy's cut. NOPE... he had them shave it, he didn't want hair. So we shaved it! Then when I got home Blake wanted his like Carson's .So I shaved his. 

Coming up on July 12 we have our Brain Wave happening. Please if you are able to join us we would love to have you on Team Tuff Boy! The details are in the poster and also on Tuff Boy's Facebook page. 

Also we are SO blessed to be able to attend this retreat for families this year. It is only for Cancer families; it is on the beach in Florida; and I can not tell you how much my heart can't wait to go. To have a time with other families facing the same thing we have, and to talk about it; and learn; and hopefully find better ways to cope with it all; I can't wait! June can not get here soon enough. 

Coming on 2 years

Warning: this one is emotional.

May 10th is coming fast. I see my other cancer mom friends doing celebrations, doing blood drives, and such. I on the other hand am breaking. I am so angry, mad, and sad all at the same time. 2 years we have been fighting.
     Carson has been fighting hard, he has gone through the most awful things you can imagine; he stays brave, he stays strong most of the time, when he breaks it makes it 100 times harder for us, because he is such an amazing inspiring boy. He shows cancer who is boss, he chooses to be happy, he chooses to play, and be a 5 year old the best he can.  He has sick moments, but never for a full day  because he refuses to allow cancer to take an inch more than what it has to take. He can throw up and still want to play trucks while laying in bed; I know many adults on chemo who can't even lift their heads out of bed. He amazes me with each passing day.
     I as his mom on the other hand; have last 2 years, I am pretty proud of myself, I feel like for the most part I have stayed strong, and have fought with a positive attitude. But 2 years is a long time to stay strong. It is way too long to not break. I am so mad at cancer, the time it takes out of our lives, the things it has done to my family; there are family members who I love who no longer speak to us for reason I don't understand. I have lost friends along the way (yes I have gained amazing new ones) but I miss my "old" life I guess you could say. I hate that cancer has changed everything in my my families daily life. I hate that my kids think it is "normal" to take pills, I hate, HATE that my 3 year old Blake wants to take medicine like his brother, but how do you explain to him that his brother is sick; but a sick you don't see. I hate that Carson's moods change so often that I can't keep up with how to help him. I put on the smile, sometimes it is an act, actin like I am happy, and that is "okay". But Cancer has robbed my family. I can't help but think of the way life would be if cancer wasn't here. I would still be working, talking to adults daily, making a living for my family; we would have to choose what bills to pay, what is "appropriate" to buy, and the things we should wait on. It has been 2 years since I bought myself dare I say underwear, or even a new outfit that wasn't on the clearance rack, or saved gift money from family to buy it. We used to be able to go to the park, and play, and not have to worry. When we could plan family vacations, that didn't revolve around chemo, or steroids, or if there is a risk. Brant and I love to cruise, we have went on two; not now. For one, where do you pull that money, not pay the house payment? and 2- the doctors say the risk of being on a ship with a possible illness is too high and we would have to travel with the risk of life flight-ing  our child off the ship; and carry IV antibiotics.
     I wish at this point with a 5 and 3 year old I wouldn't have to carry a diaper bag, that includes zofran, extra changes of clothes, wipes, and extra hand sanitize. I miss being a normal mom.
     I also feel so alone, though there are plenty of people around me, they don't get it. The ones who do (other cancer moms) I can't burden them with my struggles because they are fighting their own battles. Then there is the guilt, of my friends that their children are loosing their battles; there aren't any more options for their child. I can't imagine being in their shoes; then I get angry at myself for even thinking my life is hard, I get mad for thinking how bad things suck; because at least I still have my child. then the tables turn again, and I think at what cost I have my child, chemo is destroying his ability to walk; I know he can live a happy life with out being able to walk, and most of the time it is temporary.
     My husband is in the fight with me as well; but we can't have a normal conversation that doesn't involve at some point type of cancer talk, weather it be medication, doctors, or an up coming appointment. It isn't fair to him, he lost his dad to cancer, I am sure we share the same fear; though I feel awful for him he already lost his dad, he has so many struggles with that; his dad passed when he was 15; he didn't get to learn the things dads teach their sons. We are so scared, struggling to make it through some moments. The amount of "work" it takes to keep up on everything that goes with "cancer". I don't think others understand. They see a small glimpse of it, but they don't get the full picture that my family does. The constant fear of germs, the constant cleaning, the wondering the worrying. The burden that goes along with cancer is so heavy. 

The song by Rascal flatts "sarabeth" says  "...Cause the doctor just told her the news

Between the red cells and white, something's not right...  Six chances in ten, it won't come back again With the therapy we're gonna try It's just been approved, it's the strongest there is

And I think we caught it in time..."

The doctors give you this hope and the hope is what I hold on to. We pray it is the working that the cancer won't return.  

I keep hoping I can find a silver lining in this storm; I pray I find love, and peace. I am by no means a very religous person; I believe in god, I believe that the plan is set before we enter this world. He gives us tests, and gives us these trials for reasons we don't understand, and we may never understand in this life time. But I can't help but ask why, be angry, and sad. This song for me right now is a go to, it reminds me it is okay, to feel, and that one day; I will. 

CBR, Vegas, and sickness

We were really hoping we would make it to Vegas to visit with our CBR family. We made it. I couldn't have been happier for a vacation; and to see some really good friends who are becoming family along the way! We invited Grandma Gaylene to join us on the trip and she enjoyed herself as well. We had lots of laughs, and many good memories!  Carson didn't feel "great". We made the best of it. We use our stroller a lot. His legs hurt most the weekend, and he didn't have a ton of energy. But we made the best of it, took lots of breaks and rests. 

We ate at some good places and not so good places! The boys gave their grandma a run for her money; they made sure she spent every second with them; even through the bathroom door.

My cowboys! Going out for the day! 

  z

Can I tell you how sweet this Cowboy is? Tuff is such a nice guy and takes time for the little cowboys and makes sure to make them feel special! 

This is from such a special frined Sara Remplos. She is part of the CBR family. Her and I have become friends. I was very excited when she gave this to me. 

The PBR grill offered to let the boys ride the Bull. :) this was awesome. They were not to sure about riding it with a few hundred people watching, but the crowd loved watching it. 

This was Blake's first time! He was okay till it turned then he wasn't sure and wanted off. 

My boys GLUED to the bull riding. They enjoyed it and loved watching it all. 

We took TJ with us; another cowboy who's family has touched our lives! The Carter's are special to us as well. 

We drove home home on Easter Sunday. 

Monday morning Carson woke up sick, throwing up. It took three tries to get some nausea medication down but we did; and he has been able to keep some liquids down along with some toast.